My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
