drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
