I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
