I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
