The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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