No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
