I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
