u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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