Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize