he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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