Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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