Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
