omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
