Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
