I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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