the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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