Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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