mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
