a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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