I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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