worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize