Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
