I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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