I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
