I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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