I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
