2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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