Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
