Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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