if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
