The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
