So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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