so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
