Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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