Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
