good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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