i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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