i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm at about main and main street
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize