Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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