i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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