So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
