sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
