I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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