apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
