Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
