THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
