hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
