did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
