I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
