boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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