I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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