Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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