Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
