dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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