He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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