Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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