my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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