he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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