i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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