Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
